The Race Guru

Satiricus was pleased. He was happy that Ram Jhaat Tan had gone to T&T and told them “Third Parties” were the way to solve their racial problem.

Those uppity Trinis were too full of themselves. They wouldn’t even accept they had a race problem.

They were always looking down their noses at Guyanese because of our race problem.

“Ah tell you boy, dem KFC fellas ain’t selfish at all.” Anant was Trini and visiting Guyana with the latest chutney show that is now a weekly feature here. He was a friend of Suresh, who was hooked on chutney. “Look how Ram Jhaat Tan come down and tell we we got a race problem!”

“But I thought you all never had a race problem as we!” Satiricus raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah boy, me too! I thought we solve dat with carnival and soca.” Anant sounded doleful. “Every February we does play Mas and dat make we Trini to the bone.”

“So, ah wha Ram Jhaat Tan tell ah-you?” Cappo sounded curious. “Because abee a try prappa hard fo solve abee race problem wid Carnival too. Abee ah call am ‘Mash’.”

“Well, he tell we we shouldn’t worry about de race problem because he solve it in Guyana. And you know alyou got de race problem baad!” Anant sounded a bit more cheerful when he contemplated the Guyanese predicament. “If he can solve alyou race problem, he said the Trini race problem going to be a breeze!”

“And how exactly did Comrade Ram Jhaat Tan solve our race problem?” Suresh was smiling so the question didn’t come over as antagonistic.

“Well, he said the secret was to get the Indians to vote for the Third Party. Is them Indians like to vote race. The last time the Creole fella Trot Man couldn’t do that. This time he was the boss and he mash up de PP& P!” Anant paused.

“But didn’t the Third Party that Ram Jhaat Tan was talking to in T& T get votes from all races?” Samad sounded confused.

“Aha! That is the master stroke that Ram Jhaat Tan advised we boys!” Anant was gleeful. He almost rubbed his hands. “That was the mistake! We should only go after the Indian vote. Is them got the race problem!”

“But if Ram Jhaat Tan in Guyana and you all in T& T only get Indian vote, isn’t that racial voting?” Samad sounded even more confused.

“Boy, I thought so at first. But then Ram Jhaat Tan explained it: You got to fight fire with fire!” Anant slapped the table to emphasise the clinching point. “Is them Indians racial!”

“Man. I certainly was stupid!” Suresh exclaimed. “I never thought of it that way.”

“Well, that is why you’re a salesman and Ram Jhaat Tan is a great leader who will go down in history for solving the race problem in Guyana and T& T.” Samad looked up at the ceiling.

“I hope they invite him to Suriname soon,” said Anant excitedly.

“Why? Dem gat race problem too?” Cappo was surprised.

“Well, duh!! They have Indians over there, don’t they?” Anant had the enthusiasm and certainty of the new convert.

Satiricus decided to use the word ‘guru’ only because ‘charlatan’ was too long to fit into the headline.