By Lakhram Bhagirat
Research by various organisations has found that attempted suicide rates and suicidal ideation among lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth is significantly higher than among the general population. This is so because of a number of factors but mainly because they are quite often confused by their emotions, coupled with the fact that most of them are worried about society’s perception of them.
In many cases, parents often shun their LGBT children, leaving them without a place to go and that is exactly the story of Jennifer (not her real name). Jennifer is now 32 years old and she is a Marketing Executive. Because of her job and the fact that she is still somewhat closeted, Jennifer asked us to change her name but her story remains the same.
She hails from Uitvlugt, West Coast Demerara, and is the only daughter her parents had. But from a very young age, she knew
she was different. One may say it is stereotypical but Jennifer enjoyed activities that are not traditionally considered feminine. She would prefer to fish in the nearby trench or beat the boys in a game of cricket as opposed to having a tea party, as most girls did back then.
She was often dubbed the “Tom Girl” and went through her life doing what she considered normal things. Jennifer explained that she really started feeling uncomfortable in her skin at the age of 14 when most of her female friends started to talk about boys, whereas she only envisioned her future with another girl.
“I was now entering Form Four and in our class there was this girl in the neighbourhood that had my attention. She dominated my thoughts and I knew it was different for me because I could not, no matter how hard I try, get her out of my thoughts,” she recounted.
However, she could not relate her feelings to anyone close to her because she could not trust them. Her parents were deeply religious and she knew if they found out, then the Jehovah’s Witness Church, which they are a part of, would mandate them to cut all ties with her unless she repents for her sin. It was a price she was not willing to pay at that age.
She tried to suppress her feelings and did so for the next three years but when she started her studies at the University of Guyana, it all went downhill. She met someone whom she fell deeply in love with and who convinced her to reveal her “true self” to her parents. Filled with the euphoria of her newfound love, Jennifer sat her parents down and told them her truth.
“I can remember clearly, it was a Wednesday night and I had just come home from class and my parents were watching TV. I said to them that I have something to share with them and I then began to tell them about my sexuality and that I met this girl and so on,” she said candidly.
After her parents got the news, Jennifer got the shock of her life when her only brother began telling their parents that they cannot have her in their home. However, her parents simply asked her to go to her room and they retired for the night. The next day, they sat her down and told her that she cannot continue the relationship and that she would have to pray that God forgive her sins. She refused because she felt that she was not committing any sins and her parents asked her to leave their home.
“I was barely 17 years old and never worked a day in life. I was always in my parents’ home and now they just threw me out and disowned me. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. The girl I was in love with could not accommodate me. It was shattered,” she related.
However, one of her cousins took her in but she was in shambles.
“I was shattered. The very next day after I moved in with my cousin, she left me home and went to work and I don’t remember anything else but I do know that the last memory I had was drinking a whole bottle of her pills.”
Jennifer’s cousin discovered her unconscious at about 16:30h that day and rushed her to hospital. She was treated and kept overnight. After that, she became a patient of the Georgetown Public Hospital’s Psychiatric Clinic where she was treated for depression.
But that did not stop her from attempting to take her life two more times. She would not tell me why she made two more attempts but said she felt it was necessary.
She lived with her cousin for four years after which she moved into her own apartment. When I asked her about the state of her mental health, Jennifer says she is in therapy and overcoming her demons. I asked if she would ever attempt suicide again and she just shrugged and said, “The pain of losing your family, the very people who brought you into this world is one that I can never get over. I am never truly happy but I am trying.”
For now she is focused on advancing her career and possibly settling down as she hinted. But she would not say if she’s dating anyone but did say that she is in a better place now. (Times Sunday Magazine)
