Hired help

Satiricus knew all about the old saw as to what constituted “news”: dog bites man – not news; man bites dog – definitely news. So it was certainly news to old Satiricus when he saw Suspenders’ letter taking on the Stabber News over one of their editorials. What was going on? Suspenders biting the hand that feeds him? Satiricus knew Suspenders wasn’t getting much “wuk” beyond his weekly column.

Satiricus peered closer. Seems that Suspenders was accusing the Stabber News of imputing “wrong motives” to the government for introducing a minimum wage in Guyana. Satiricus almost had a heart attack. Suspenders defending the government? This wasn’t only “man biting dog”; this was “man biting a pit bull on his testicles”! Now Satiricus definitely had to find out what was going on.

By a stroke of luck, his wife’s niece, maid to the opposition – and so taking care of Suspenders among a host of that motley (not mouldy) crew – had just filched Suspender’s diary for Satiricus to peruse quickly. Satiricus seized the opportunity to grill the poor girl about Suspenders as an employer. She said the fella was worse than Scrooge. And insisted she went above and beyond the call of duty.

Satiricus started reading.

Dear Diary, You must be asking what happened to me, since I wasn’t writing you recently. Well, Dear Diary, I’m depressed. That’s what. All those years when I was a boy growing up in Alexander Village, I wanted to be a big one.

So I became a bookeeper. Well at the time I thought that was a “big one”. Then I discovered I was adding and subtracting all day, but not adding much to my bank account. But when I did the books of these lawyer fellows, I saw their bank accounts growing faster than Jack’s beanstalk. Especially the ones who dealt with a certain type of client. You know what I mean.

Sorry Dear Diary. I had to change my suspenders.

The other one was pulling my drawers into a knot.) So I decided to become a lawyer. Dear Diary, you wouldn’t believe the agony of studying when you’re past 60. But I made it. It helped that everyone had left me and I was alone. But I never realised people wouldn’t hire an old, new lawyer like me. I tried this pro-bono lawyer thing… but discovered that it meant “for free”. Why the arse would I do my lawyer “wuk for free? So I tried getting into politics. Because plenty lawyers in politics. But imagine they want me to start from the bottom!! To go house to house and campaign. Schuups, not I. But things get hard and I decide to try a new thing. I gon start sucking up to the government. I just write a letter cussing out both the Stabber and the PSA. I need a wuk bad. I could even carry Asni’s briefcase.

(I got to go change this suspenders. I gon put on a red one. Prezzie might like the workers’ colour.)