Dem a lie

Satiricus was singing his hallelujahs. Why shouldn’t he? He just finished dinner and was throwing back in his Berbice Chair. He’d read about an amazing declaration by the opposition. Seems they demanded that ministers of the government ought to take ‘lie detector’ tests. They didn’t say for what, but presumably about what they were doing on the job.
Satiricus knew that accusations had been flowing fast and furious about corruption. So when the government accepted the suggestion and demanded that the opposition also take polygraph tests (that’s the fancy name for ‘lie detector’) and the opposition agreed, you can understand why ole Satiricus was in seventh heaven.
As he smiled he fell asleep and started dreaming… Feel-it, the ex-police commissioner was all strapped up to the lie detector and the first question came up just to test him. “You is de man who does call people ‘Bannuh’?”
Feel-it: I does talk like duh. (The machine’s needle didn’t jump, showing he was telling the truth.)
Operator: Listen to this tape with a police commissioner telling a PNCee man what to do after there was a massacre in Agricola. (They all listen to the policeman spilling his guts and calling the PNCee man ‘bannuh’.) Is that you on the tape??
Feel-it: No, bannuh. (The needle jumped off the paper so fast and high that the mark looked like Mount Everest.)
Operator: He lying through he teeth. NEXT!! Green-Ridge stepped forward in his spiffy suit-and-tie.
They placed a bench so that he could clamber onto the couch and be hooked up.
Operator: This question is to show if you is you. You the man trying to be leader of the PNCee?
Green-Ridge: Yes! I want to be leader to boost my ego. (The needle was steady. Green-Ridge was telling the truth.)
Operator: Just answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ please. Is you who did ban flour so I couldn’t get me bake and salt-fish?
Green-Ridge: No. (The needle went through the roof. Another Mount Everest.)
Operator: He ain’t telling the truth. NEXT!! Grain-Ja ambled over in his green shirt. He sat stiffly in the chair. The operator told him to relax. That this was not an electric chair. Grain-Ja told him curtly that he was a general and that’s how he sits.
Operator: Is you false name in the army, “Dagger”?
Grain-Ja: Yes, sir.
Operator: A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ will do.
Grain-Ja: That’s how we speak in the army, sir!
Operator: (sighing) OK. Now when you were head of the army, did you help to count ballots at Camp Awangana?
Grain-Ja: No, sir! (The needle jumped so high that the machine’s coil burnt and couldn’t work anymore.)
Operator: Turning to the rest of the opposition. “Y’all have to come back tomorrow. I hope some people will tell the truth once in a while. This machine can only take so much lying, you know.”