Category: Satiricus

Satiricus was puzzled. He’d heard this No-Jel Huge was big time liar lawyer. He took big fees, that’s for sure. Like name, like fees: huge! But how the heck did he get his reputation if couldn’t even understand the subject of a debate? Satiricus had enjoyed the NCN debates on corruption. He was a bit disappointed that the PNCEE APANU had finked out: the KFC just didn’t have the firepower. So Satiricus had looked out for No- Jel to take on the government side on the Jagdeo pension issue. Only…

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Satiricus thought he would just ‘throw back’, after all the problems in Linden. Now that the army said the roads were clear, he’d be taking his brood down to Lethem for the holidays. Maybe he could take some pictures of all the burnt out buildings. When the government rebuilt all of them from his hard-earned taxes, he could show everybody, the ‘before and after’ pictures. So here he was, about to able over to the back-street dive for a farewell drink with the boys, when the news came over that…

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Satiricus was nonplussed. Whatever in the world were these people talking about? The new athletic track shouldn’t be in Leonora? It was too far from where the athletes lived. It should be in Georgetown? Yada, yada yada!!! Satiricus wanted to know what the heck these people were talking about. Were they saying that only ‘town’ people can run? Where did they think Usain Bolt came from? Trelawny Parish is as country as you can get: Cockpit Country – home of the Maroons, for crying out loud! “Dem tek dem blasted…

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Satiricus is in the dumps. This is the way it’s always been – every four years. But this year it was worse. He’s talking about the Olympics, of course. Oh… how his heart swelled when he saw the Golden Arrow flutter in the march-past in their six person contingent. Was this the year Guyana was going to get a medal? Satiricus wasn’t too proud – he wasn’t even thinking about gold. He wasn’t actually stupid – the small contingent was a definite tip off – but even a bronze would…

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Satiricus was livid. This was a rare state of affairs. Satiricus was an easy going soul. His motto was “tek it easy”. He thought Guyanese greatest contribution to world civilisation was the philosophy captured by the phrase, “throw back”. But here he was, literally jumping up and down. It had to do with the CSEC exams and his son’s results. “The boy’s at one of these pilot schools,” he complained to the gang at the back-street dive. “Can you believe the minister held back the boy’s results?” His voice rose…

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Satiricus is of the firm belief (following Newton, as he had learnt in high school) that we all stand on the shoulders of the giants of the previous generation. It was therefore with some satisfaction that he heard the people of Buxton had erected a monument. Ah… Buxton!! Home of the freedmen (and women) who led the trek from the plantations to set up the villages and a life of dignity for them and their descendants. Satiricus’ eyes misted over: he was sure some noble souls were praising the ancestral…

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Satiricus is a history buff. He was picking up Cappo’s claim that Linden was ‘cutting its nose to spite its face’. It wasn’t ‘spile’ or ‘spoil’, he explained patiently. It was ‘spite’. In the old days when the Vikings used to attack the early European Christian settlements, virtuous women would cut off their noses to make themselves look repulsive and not be hauled away to be ravished. Problem was, when the Vikings left, they remained repulsive looking and could never attract any suitors, much less husbands. Their ‘face’ or honour…

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Satiricus is a history buff. Most people didn’t know that London Bridge was once a ‘pontoon bridge’ just like his Demerara Bridge. (Satiricus was impatient with the word ‘Harbour’ inserted between ‘Demerara’ and ‘Bridge’: it was just not true! There was no ‘harbour’ at Schoonard.) But he figured that if the British could move from the pontoon bridge the Romans built in 43AD and moved to stone by 1076, surely, Guyana could follow suit in 2012. ‘Listen budday! De PPPcee keep dat bridge on saline fuh 20 years!’ carped Cappo.…

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Satiricus was in high spirits. One of his favourite international characters, President Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma, would be visiting the West Indies. Jamaica was going to be celebrating its Golden Jubilee of Independence next week and Zuma was coming on a state visit. Satiricus wondered if Zuma would be bringing all four of his wives – especially the last one he married earlier this year at the age of seventy. After all, in South Africa, he regularly showed up with all his wives on his arms at official functions. ‘Hey!! Zuma…

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Satiricus is all for people speaking up for their rights. Why! Wasn’t he always arguing with his wife that it was his right to have roti every morning? So what if she sometimes raised her belna at him? A guy had to do what a guy had to do, and Satiricus would do a lot to have his daily roti. But he must say that he became a bit skittish after he heard Audrey Nortin giving his charge to the citizens of Linden. “De man seh nothin guh pass to…

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